I’ve been having these really panicked sleeps lately, because I’ve been consistently not sleeping enough, so my body is both screaming for every second it can get, while also being horrified that if I get too much, I’ll miss work,
so when I woke up this morning, entirely frantic, thinking I couldn’t possibly have slept this long, I must have slept through my alarm, only to discover that it was still night time,
It was kind of nice. I had left the window open to hear the rain, and it was raining harder now then when I had gone to bed.
The sound of the rain filled my room, and it was all I could hear, and it felt almost like I wasn’t as alone as I thought.
I keep thinking I am alone. People are trying to coach me through having emotions, things I would have been able to navigate really well in the past, and it literally sounds like gibberish to me. It makes no sense. And I try to grasp it, and I hold on to it, but I can’t even remember what it was, because I have no concept of the meaning, and that’s so frustrating.
I feel alone, and I feel like no matter the strong supports, and the people who care for me so strongly, and are always there for me, I will never not be alone.
I can distract myself, but I am still here, alone, with myself.
I need to find a way to be alone and not let it get so hateful. I need a way to value myself more, because when I am just me, alone, entirely, and I don’t care about myself, then there’s really no point in existing. And that’s not okay. I need to put more value in myself, and stop wanting to disappear.
And when the sound of the rain was right there with me, when the thunder sounded distant and muffled, I wasn’t alone. There was a presence, something not sentient, but it was there, and I felt okay. I felt at peace, and I felt not alone.
I need to just figure my shit out. I need to be okay with myself. I need to recognize the value that I can and do bring to the world.